Listening to the sound of that dance tonight will make you think it's about time you got your GED.
The next two weeks are going to be sad and crazy. Classes wrap up this week, and though most of the stuff I have due tomorrow has been (moderately) done, there is still the daunting task of putting together some posts for an in-class blog that has been hanging over my head. We're supposed to do at least 10, I think I (along with other class members) may have done three. Throughout the semester I doodled little notes to myself about economic ideas I'd like to explore, prices and college tuition, deadweight loss, whatever. But all those pieces of paper are gone now, and so are all my ideas; they have been lost in the fog that was this semester, which is out there floating just beyond my grasp. Posting to this thing has really been an intimidating task because I hate seeing the thoughts of my classmates laid out so bare in front of me--it is intimidating as more often than not I feel I don't live up scholastically to these kids, why does it have to be flaunted so blatently that even my most bland, daily thoughts do not live up either?
I also have a Calc homework assignment due tomorrow, of which mostly I was able to do completely but a few problems have gone undone (5 out of 20, I think, which is more miserable than it sounds). I revisited the sinking feeling I had at the beginning of my older, failed classes; where I had been attending the lectures and listening and watching but when it came down to it I had no idea what was going on, or what any of these dancing figures triumphantly represented. I never attended a class long enough to have to deal with integrals, so now I'm no longer reviewing. And I'm failing at it. The sister class to this one I'm taking next semester will be all new material, will I fail this too? My stomach sinks and churns at the thought. What I'm going to do about this class I'm not too sure. I think I'll be able to do okay on the final if I really practice--on my exams I received (in this order), B A D. Is it an omen? I'm scared to even think about it.
I'm already processing the stresses of next semester right now. Isn't it absurd? Mark gets so frustrated at me for this, but I absolutely can't repress it. I'm always living two steps ahead of things, constantly planning and anticipating the things that may or may not be dropped in front of me. I'm so consistently concerned with what is coming up I lose sight of what's going on presently. It's probably the way I cope with things--to not have to worry about the paper due Thursday whose existance I have the capacity to change, I will instead worry about things I cannot touch for months to divert myself.
It's all absurd.
But thank god the semester is finally over. I made it. I'm not sure I'll continue making it, but there isn't much of a choice at this point. Hopefully I will get a new roommate who is not terrible, and if there is some sort of benevolent God I will get no roommate at all (completely and totally unlikely). Hopefully I will be able to reconcile all these feelings of lonliness I've got swirling around inside of me. Maybe lonliness is the wrong word. I've forgotten what it's like to be just me without having someone to constantly lean on. I am Adenine without Guanine (that was terrible, wasn't it?); I feel lost and alone. I confide things to those who have shown me they have no interest, and I grasp onto threads of those who may have shown me some sort of affection in the past. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I need someone else's to drape over me before I can even consider leaving the room. What a weakness. What an imperfect design.
I've also finally addressed something that I hadn't realized has been getting under my skin: perhaps it is the boys I deal with, who are have surpassed my own age where things like these have been expected, or perhaps it is a character thing. But I am gradually forming resentments towards those who have had meaningful long term relationships. If I hear the term "ex-fiance" thrown around one more time I think I'm going to vomit; let alone ex-wife, etc. It is childish of me, but there is this nagging feeling that I could never live up to someone who has come first. I run things like that over and over in my mind, never fully able to digest them or reason them out but they still nag at me.
I stopped for a second and the thought of what job I'm going to get this summer flitted through. See how I am? I hate answering the question, what are you thinking, because so rarely am I thinking anything. Except now I think this is a long enough entry, and I must cut it out now before I bore someone to death.
