Murder and Broccoli

Today has been quite a confusing day for my identity. I point-counterpoined briefly this morning with Sumaiya, arguing that I wasn't a feminist because I didn't believe in "modern feminism", ie the homogenization of the genders and preferred the intrinsic celebration of differences between men and women. Once she challenged me for examples and I stumbled over my rough tongue and was unable to produce the ones that really meant anything to me, I felt defeated, only vindicated by an emptyheaded girl in agreement with me but who approached it from a "psychology background" (she reiterated this several times, each time making her point come across even more trite and mine as well by association). Sumaiya in turn called it pop psychology, dismissing the notion as nothing more than a quick fad that stood in the way of establishing true gender equality.

I was so solid in my belief this morning. Now I'm not so sure. This was followed up by Joe's lecture on economic history and he took on a tangeant about how compared to the Penn and Chicago students he'd taught, we were just as bright but far below par in terms of ambition. We had no plans and no big ideas, regardless of the fact that we tackled the material at the same levels of competancy.

It was a synergy between the two notions that has caught me off guard and has me both examining the role that gender plays in my life and my ambition. It's got me confused on a fundamental level. Who am I? What do I believe in? Where am I going? What am I eating for lunch? Etc.

For the past few years I've sort of resigned myself to obscurity; the inevitable marriage and childbearing that is associated with attractive middle class white women who aren't driven by one burning desire or another. And I was truly ok with this, college was passing the time until full employment and full employment was just passing the time (and filling the coiffers) until I had a house to preoccupy myself with. But this has never been what I'd wanted for myself, and never been where I thought I'd end up being. I don't know what I thought, but I thought that I was smarter than just resigning myself to being someone's sidekick.

I'd thought that I felt this way because I'm a woman and it was a feeling that I associated with all women. Some work thru it, others don't. It nags on some, it marginalizes some, it drives others. Now, again, I'm not so sure. Is it just me that's become marganilized after all these years? Am I just tired, ambitionless, floating in a sea of higher education without a liferaft to hold on to and without some direction in the infinate sea?

Maybe. I am really really REALLY bad with directions.

But am I going to get as lost in life as I do whenever I drive in big cities?

I hope not. It's only two o'clock and already it's been a really long day. And to think, I was going to write this entry about khakis making my ass look big and got distracted by something far more meaningful. Ha!