underneath it all
I know that women endure much greater indignity at the hands of doctors everyday and on a routine basis than men ever will. I do not dispute this. The plight of women does not diminish the fact that my experience was traumatic.
There are indignities we all suffer at the doctor�s office. The first of these indignities is the appointment fascists (called receptionists) who sit at a desk behind a counter, file their nails, and act as gatekeeper to the doctor�s office. They busy themselves at the computer and act exacerbated all day long whenever they are approached by anyone but the doctor and are the epitome of professionalism when the doctor is in view. In all reality the receptionist is reading Cosmopolitan Magazine, surfing the net, or instant messaging. Both Kipp and I have done this job, rebuffing the public and appearing busy is an art
The next indignity is the paper gowns. Often there is no reason to do wear it, I am sure they are just trying to get you naked on some web cam. I, personally, am glad to note that anyone who goes to great effort to see me naked is going to be disappointed and most likely disgusted at what they see. Web cams aside there is also the issue of only a piece of paper, in the quality your third grade teacher used on bulletin boards, separating your nakedness from the rest of the world. Then, they ask you to walk down the hallway � leaving your clothing and the underwear you never knew you appreciated behind � showing your behind to everyone behind you as you go.
Then you are in a room, naked with someone who is not. I used to be okay with being naked while other people were not. A diaper change, being given a bath, or other pre-toddler activities like running down the street were all fun things to do absolutely naked. Standing in a room with another adult who is not naked and does not plan to get that way is not cool.
This was to be the time when I was to get my prostate checked, among other things. One of those other things is where they grab your testicles and ask you to cough. I know that all the female readers are contending that this is not so bad and compared to what you go through it is not � yet. Keep reading.
I was not looking forward to this experience and I had come prepared. I had a bunch of witty remarks lined up about what was going to happen to me. I am propositioned for bathroom sex one out of every three times I go to a bookstore so that I would pay for someone to play with my testicles and then probe around what should normally be an exit. I never take the perverts at the bookstore up on their offer but my Hebrew Sense does tingle at the idea of paying for something that is normally free other places.
While I was waiting for the doctor to come and violate me, I started to feel bad for him. I went to college for five years to become a teacher and have to do many things I find distasteful. Doctors go to school for nearly a decade and then spend their time fondling other people�s genitals and sticking their fingers in your sphincter. I am sure they wanted to be saving and improving lives � and they are doing that by insuring our health is at its best. However, I was sure that this was not what they had hoped to be doing when they entered the medical profession.
The doctor came in and for a doctor he was on the younger side. He kept making small talk in between the normal doctor/patient conversation. I was nervous due to my nudity and willing myself to �look big� and not hide from the cold or spring to attention from nerves. I have heard the horror stories of those who have had both happen to them and I did not want either of them to be the reason my day was uncomfortable or memorable.
That is not why my day was memorable and I wish it were. Instead of my boys doing something I did not want them to do they kind of just hung out, like they normally do and did not even cause me the embarrassment the chill in the room normally would have. I guess they wanted to make a good impression as well.
During the examination the doctor started to creep me out a bit but what really got me was this: when he was going to check me for a hernia (turn your head, and cough) he was not wearing gloves. I pointed this out to him and he acted as if it was an accident. He had forgotten to put gloves on. That thin layer of latex changes something unpleasant from being medical to being sexual, and I also think he had no intention of cuddling afterwards.
He went to put gloves on but I put the paper robe back on and excused myself from the office, put my clothes on, and informed the receptionist of what happened so she would know not to bill me for my visit. I also did this as a courtesy to the mothers of teenage boys sitting there, waiting for their physicals for school. Honestly, if it was their first time they might not have known that he was supposed to wear gloves. I am an adult and have had this done more times than I have wanted to, but from experience I know what should happen and what should not.
Check Buzz Net for Actual Kipp Coverage of the Voyage West
If you were lucky enough to catch, or hear about, Kipp�s bad experience on OK Cupid, you might also be interested to know that I think I am in the middle of encountering the young man (read: chronic masturbator) with whom Kipp spoke. I am currently at the car dealer waiting while my car is being fixed and he has been circling me, the receptionist and the coffee pot, making small talk about things I would only delve into during a panic attack or a date gone wrong. I do not need to detail what he is talking about � we have all been in that situation where we�ve been screaming, �SHUT UP, SHUT UP, PLEASE GOD MAKE HIM STOP,� in our heads while someone is speaking. Most annoyingly, he is trying to read this computer screen.
